I'm back!
Yes, am back with my random blah!
A month ago, I began to jot down all the things that I am grateful for 2019. And turned out, my blessings were HUMONGOUS than my disappointments.
And yes, it hits me, why dwell on things that I do not have and yet God has opened a lot, as in A LOT of new beginnings for me and the husband for this year.
Many times, I am at my highest peak of contentment and there are certain times that everything seems to be there out in the drain. Yes, I am human. I have feelings. I also feel sad but the one great thing i am most thankful for, I rise above it. How? Simple! I embraced my feelings, I hugged my sadness, my disappointments and cuddle my pain, yet, I am grateful that somewhere along that darkness, God will always, as in ALWAYS make a way to remind me that it is okay not to be okay and that I am loved no matter what i am going through and that I am enough no matter how painful I think I am feeling.
By crying and pouring my heart out to Him is my way of embracing my lowest of lows of emotions. I turn to my journal and scribble down my random thoughts, i write down my prayers and somehow it helped me get back on my track.
It had been years and i have been very vocal on my journey to become a mother and yet, my road to become one is still uncertain. I almost, yes I almost walked down the road to motherhood when just as I was about to walk that road, suddenly, it rerouted me to another road of uncertainty. My road to motherhood was short-lived, yet, it was somehow one of my most memorable experience to date. I think my road to (almost) motherhood deserves a separate post.
The world we live in now is full of hashtag goals (#goals), that we strive and struggle hard just to keep up with everybody. Everything seems to be just for the show now. And it sometimes take a toll on me, how I tend to compare my life from everyone else. Then I realized, I have my own timeline, everybody has a unique timeline. Growing up, I am always on top of my game, I get things done because I am in control of everything. I managed to take my life pace according to my own pace.
So what happened when infertility hits me? Of course, i felt devastated and embarrassed because I cannot live up to people's expectations. Yes, i was that bad, really BAD! I punished my own self. I created a little corner hating myself just because I wanted to live up to the so called "norm" and yet, i am a failure in that area. I dislike everytime people talk to me about my journey to motherhood because it magnifies my failure. I want them to stop and just treat me just the same and not make me feel i am not good enough.
Infertility made me realize that i do not control my life. That my life is not according to my own pace. In life, i learned that not everything has its reason, sometimes, it is just the way it is. No need to comprehend everything. That is how wonderful and great the Lord is, the grace of infertility is not a punishment. Funny how i call it as the "grace", but true enough, not everything we desire is for own good. I call it grace because whenever i looked on the other side of my infertility, there are so much more than my infertility. That life is not just being a mother. There are so much that the Lord has in store for us, yet the world we live in tend to give us that certain "norm" and dwelling on that "norm" will not make us feel and become better.
So, what am I grateful for? I am thankful for my life. I am thankful that I have this kind of road. I am thankful for the unknown and the uncertainties. I am thankful of my infertility because it made me stronger than i was, because it made me surrender my life to God and because it made my relationship with God and my husband even stronger.
If you are walking on the same road as i am walking, just hang in there. Always remember that it is okay not to be okay. Always remember that God loves us and we may not have our answered prayers (yet), never stop praising Him, after all, our desires may not be His desires because whatever happens, His will should always be done. Remember, Jesus hesitated on God's will, but, he surrendered and let God's will be done. Jesus obeyed and perfected God's love to us by surrendering to God's will. I will still continue to praise and worship Him despite the hurts and disappointments along the way. I will still cry and will still feel sad, yet, I will not stop believing that I am loved and that I am enough because I believe that I am more than what I desire because God's plans and desires are far better than ours.
Ciao!
faithhopelove
